Im waiting for the sandman. Just waiting for the sandman. This is the third time this week that he's not come visit me. Infidel little bastard. He visits old men and women and even little children.

So I had this weird dream. In it, I was in the movies, alone as usual and as I got to where my seat was, the movie started and this guy behind me started screaming for me to sit down in spanish. I don't speak a lot of Spanish but there were subtitles. Yes! My dream had subtitles. How cool is that?

So then I started yelling back at him in Hokkien and I don't know how it happened but we both ended up being called racists and got kicked out of the movies. Some newspaper covered the story and he claimed that he was bullied by a local here in Malaysia and I as a result had to make a public apology. Yeah sure, like that would actually ever happen in real life.

Oh..yes, and my father committed suicide because he was shamed by the fact that he had a racist child.

"I'm not a racist. I'm an American. The darker the skin, the more I hate them"

I finally got to talk to B again today..after so many months. I told him to check out some video of my bartender.

B: What drink is that?
Me: Flaming Lamborghini
B: You should make a drink called Burning American
Me: What's that?
B: Pour sambouca on the bastard and then light him up!
Me: Hahahahahahhahha
B: Yeah! And then laugh like that!
Me: There aren't a lotta Americans here
B: Put up a banner that says Free Drinks If You're American.
Me: .......
B: Little do they know. Bwahahaha
Me: You crazy Fuck!
B: Wild Fuck!
Me: Cheap Fuck!
B: I'm actually free.

So yeah...the conversation went out to how mundane life was and we compared sex lives and unimportant issues like that...before I decided that I was too hungry to chat anymore.

I feel that my nanak and I have merged into a single entity.

Over and Out.

There's so much more to myself that I didn't know about.

Given that my strength is in communicating with people and plain old bumming, I should be very happy with managing the bar.

Yet, I feel that I've lost all forms of social life.

I do not play mahjong with my friends anymore.

I do not chat online as often anymore. Yes, I love chatting with unknown people. Faceless strangers all the way from the other end of the world, telling them things about my country, myself, my opinions. Mainly because it allows me my opinionated freedom without having to deal with irreconcilable differences or unsavoury facial expressions.

I don't have time to finish my games anymore.

Most of the men that hang out here are very touch feely. Some old dood decided to grab my left boob. Heh

Again and again, I find myself sinking lower into the vaults of depression. It has happened before and I'm pretty sure it will again.

Personally I still do not see a point in working all your life to pay for stuff that's prolly owned by the bank for most of your life. What if I just want a simple life? A little car for me to drive, a shelter over my head and most importantly, friends and acquaintances who may or may not fill in the empty voids in my life. Yes, there are many.

What would I change anything in my life if I wanted to?

I'd change myself. I'd change my DNA. I'd change everything about me and make it not me. I'd like to be someone else and I'd do things differently. I wouldn't mind being poor. I wouldn't mind being ugly; not that I'm actually that hot now. I wouldn't mind being stupid. I wouldn't mind not having what I already have now just to feel...again.

Maybe it's the after effects from various toxins either injected, insufflated or ingested in my system. Maybe it's just withdrawal symptoms. Who's to know? All I know right now is that I'd give anything and everything just to feel a little bit of happiness..a little bit of closure to the many unsettled issues brought forth from previous decisions. Bad decisions. Decisions that I cannot undo. Decisions that seem to route the path of my very unsequential and sporadic existence.

Werk

This is my life now.

Monady: Work
Tuesday: Work
Wednesday: Working while on weed
Thursday: Work + Stoneness = Lost
Friday: Work + Stress + Eramin
Saturday: Work + Stress + Stupid people + Withdrawal symptoms (Quitting Drugs)
Sunday: Dead

Stone Session..Again

Okay..I got stoned tonight at Luconia. Again.

There I was, enjoying the music which I happened to transfer to the computer there and at the same time listening to the conversation going on around me. When I'm stoned, it feels like I can hear everything.

As I looked up, I saw that the tv was showing some rugby match on StarSports. Apparently, I was watching the Papua New Guinean team playing against some other team. There I was, stumped at the thought that Papua New Guinea actually has a rugby team! I was always under the impression that they are a poor country. I mean, seriously, half of the country is owned by RH already!

Shouldn't these players be a part of the country's workforce? Shouldn't they be working hard as either a blue collar or white collar "slaves" to international corporations? And what is the country feeding them anyway? Maybe they catch the smaller Papua New Guineans and feed them to the rugby players, what if them being known for eating people. Maybe that's why they're so big!

According to a reliable source, the first human to have contracted Mad Cow disease was in Papua New Guinea too! Think about it.

Another thing. Anyone of you realized that Luconia is called Luconia Cafe? Forgive me for saying this but.. "Whaaaaa?!!" There is not a part of the place that remotely resembles a "cafe".

1. The place is blue. The Aquarium, the lighting at the bar...everything's blue. Since when are cafes ever blue?

2. Instead of displaying drinks like macchiato or americano and stuff like that, we have countless bottles of booze on display, right behind the bar counter.

3. If you look at their menu, they serve coffee and tea. But if you look behind the bar, there's a whole lot of booze and a coffee machine that's so small even the 21 years old Chivas is bigger than it.

4. Also in the menu, we have ice-cream. If the place is intended to be a cafe then it has failed miserably. If the place is intended to be a bar..then what kinda bar actually serves ice-cream? I mean, have you ever seen someone get drunk and hear him say "Man! I feel like a double scoop of chocolate ice-cream now!"

I'm confused. As is Julian after I pointed out the above to him.

On a separate note, strawberry flavoured Mentos rocks! They taste exactly like the pink coloured ones that you get when you buy the mixed fruit ones but now I don't have to look for people to give the other colours to and keep all the pink ones to myself.

Listening to the same song over and over again. This is a very very good song. I love the words.

Hope dangles on a string
Like small spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of which has caught my eye
Roped me in, so mezemerizing,
So hypnotizing, I am captivated,
I am vindicated, I am selfish,
I am wrong, I am right,
I swear I'm right,
Swear I knew it all along,
And I am flawed but I'm cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
So clear,
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
Rendered me so isolated, so motivated,
I am certain now that I am vindicated...

I'm sure everyone knows the song. I just can't help but think it's one of the most wonderfully written lyrics in this era. Can't actually compare with Cobain or Corgan..but it's the millenium! What do you expect?

Oh yes yess!!! Its Thursday! Only one more day to go til Friday night! I love Friday nights. Infact, I love the weekend.

***Grins incessantly and claps happily

Nip/Tuck is a great show! It is so addictive. The plot, the scandals, the sex everything about this show is good. Well..that and the fact that I'm in love with Julian McMahon! I still prefer to call him Cole. You know, after what he was called as a human when he played Balthazar in Charmed. Some of you might recognize him as the villain in the superhero movie, Fantastic Four released earlier this year! Still doesn't ring a bell? Google it.

I hope I get good dreams tonight. I hope to meet those that I didn't get a chance to meet in real. I hope to do the things that I didn't get to do. I hope to say the things that I didn't get to say to people I wanted to see but didn't get to.

Good night, world.

My sister said to me in the car today, en route to Luconia...

Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly!

I totally agree with her on that point. Marijuana has to be God's greatest gift to mankind.

So, I was thinking..what if I'm not addicted to weed or recreational pharmaceuticals or B? What if I'm just addicted to addiction. What if I just happen to like the feeling that I'm addicted to something or someone?

Scattered. That's the only word to describe my mindset right now.

Time to lie down and stare at the ceiling again.

Hello Wolf! Hey Nige! I know its you over there --->ImSt0ned

I have seen you walk down the street
The wind in your hair
Your eyes wide and full of expectations
You walked like the you owned the world
Taking in the sights and sounds
Not really listening
Not really seeing
Not comprehending
What goes on inside your head

I have seen you whisper into the wind
And smile for no reason
The lines on your face lighten up
The shadows in those eyes
Chasing away the demons of the past
Hope like butterflies
Float away in the warm summer's breeze
And you watch them
Watch them carry your dreams away

I saw you standing infront of your mirror
Naked with arms at your side
Staring at the reflection
Hoping to see what you once were
You touched the mirror
Touching your own reflection
And the cloak of sadness
That envelopes your being
Tweaks the strings of my broken heart

And I saw the tear
I hear your silent scream
And I wished you could see me
As I screamed the way you did
As I mourned for you
For the me that I saw in you
Certain now that I am
Looking at myself through
The cold hard surface of a mirror

"What do you mean you don't plan to live past 30?"

"Well, for starters I don't think there is a reason for me to live more than 30 years. I plan to do everything I want and can in the next five years." I replied, somewhat mechanically. I think that I have answered this question way too many times to too many different people. I cringed when I saw her face looking at me incredulously. "Nevermind, you wouldn't understand." I said, giving up.

Last Friday started with a lot of anticipation. I remember waking up and thinking "Yeay! It's Friday!!" Looking forward to the night. Looking forward to popping more pills, toking and insufflating numerous amounts of recreational pharmaceuticals. I learnt a long time ago that by rule, anything that crushes into powder can be insufflated.

And so we started.

Cher, Trev, Carlos and I. The fantastic four. It eventually became the phantasmagoric ten as the night wore on, but I'll save that bit for later. Of course Trev and Carlos did not smoke. They're not that much of a junkie like Cher and I; or maybe it was just me since I was the one who went "Light up!!!" first. So maybe I'm bad influence to Cher. So what? Sue me.

Anyway, the weed didn't do much.

After chilling out, just talking and hanging around for a bit, we decided to go out for a bit. Mainly because everyone wasn't smoking up except for Cher and I and that we were all getting anxious and fidgety just waiting for the Es. So we headed to Luconia for a few drinks. (Of course, where else do we go?!) Everyone else who were supposed to be in the party met up with us at Luconia. There was Serena, Mat, Anna, J, Lina and Fiona. Our sojourn to Luconia ended a little prematurely. The moment that everyone arrived, Mitch showed up with a grin and said "Guess who's got E??!!"

Suffice to say, we downed our beer in the least possible time and popped right there. 1 each. Every single one. Everyone left. It was all very methodical. I'm always surprised at how methodical junkies are. For example, if there's a planned party and you know that there will be drugs involved, everyone will bring their own respective things. Upon arriving at the venue, some will set up the sound system, others will start chopping up the weed, some will re-arrange the furniture just to accomodate...ourselves. I personally think that everything has to be baby-proofed too, because I hate hitting my knees on the corners of a low coffee table or waking up with scratches and scabs.

So upon arriving at the apartment, we were all high and ready to go. Of course everything was ready. Music, beer, weed, coke, vysine, MDMA in our system. Wooooo!!! What else could we ask for, really.

Well...NOTHING! Until the next day when I came down from my trip. It was a long euphoric one. I don't know about everyone else but I was having fun just hanging out in one of the rooms with the speakers and a very powerful subwoofer plugged into my notebook. At some point during the night, I ventured out of my comfort zone to check on everyone else. They looked alright to me. Noone made any comments about anything so I decided to go back to my spot, watching psychedelic graphics on my Windows Media Player 10.

I admit that I was waiting for that hard BANG!! that e usually gives you. It didn't happen though. It was one of those that goes up and stays constant for about 6-10 hours, depending on how many you popped. I was disappointed. I much rather prefer it when they hit me like a truck for just 2-3 hours. However, my eyes did start to run and for a while everyone looked like they had super huge heads and we wearing spectacles. Everyone was walking super slowly and robotic like the people in your dreams. Hence, phantasmagoric ten.

I don't remember much of what happened after that except popping more and smoking up again and before I knew it, it was 12noon! A lot of us were trying to get some sleep, mainly cause we knew that we needed it. However, noone slept much. Aftermath of e. Can't sleep, can't eat, jaw hurts, insides of your mouth are full of ulcers. Somebody managed to go out and grab some KFC. I was ecstatic but the moment that I took a bite of a piece of chicken, I knew that there is no way I could eat it at all.

Sucks. *Cusses like a cavewoman*

So then we hung around for a bit and did nothing. Really. With mdma still in our system, albeit being a minimal amount and jaws/cheek/body/head aching in general, I begin to wonder about why people actually pop it. I wondered about that then, I don't now. Infact, I wish I had some e right now.

But alas, when it comes to friends, there's usually politics and real life drama involved. Carlos and Trev are both into Cher. Surprised? I'm not. Carlos being the older Chinese guy didn't stand a chance. I kinda pity him a little. Trevor being the better looking but short caucasian that we kidnapped had a better chance. To top it all off, Mitch went off to one of the rooms and started texting Trev telling him that she's interested in him. Now this would be okay if Mitch is actually hot, but no..she's kinda pudgy and scary. And so...the world collapsed and pandemonium ensued. There was a terrible earthquake and everyone was swallowed by the great hell lizard named Fabian and there was only me and Mr. Laptopagus left and we popped more and the whole world was a better place again.

Yeah...I wish.

No, the world did not end. Pandemonium did not ensue. There is no such thing as a great hell lizard. Even if there is, I doubt if his name would be Fabian. Maybe Gork but definitely not Fabian.

*screams "HELL JEAH!" with a fist in the air for Gork*

What actually happened? Mitch didn't speak much again to anyone. Neither did Carlos. Cher, Trev and I are still hanging out although I feel more like an outsider now. I finally got home at around midnight, after spending a a little more than 36 hours out there and slept for a whooping total of 6 hours. My jaw still hurts, the ulcers are still there. I've not had anything solid to eat since attempting KFC.

But was it all worth it? Destroying your internal organs with drugs, poisoning your blood with mdma, toking off a bong, watching everyone with running eyes and not really comprehending anything that people say; going through the coming downs, the joint/jaw pains; just so you can experience that few hours of euphoric bliss where the whole world belongs to you and you alone knowing that at that exact moment, nothing anyone said or did could make break you anymore than they have already?

YES!

"I don't want to live past 30. I feel that if God were to take my life now, I would not have any regrets at all. And I would go while I'm on one of my e or k trips" That was what I meant.

Nine-Eight-Three-One-One

Let me introduce y'all to my best friends.

When You're Ugly...

...the world doesn't give a rat's ass about you.

Give up.

Hello Tuesday, Goodbye Monday

***2:08am, watching the world go by through my room window

There really isn't a lot to see through my window. All I can actually see are the headlights of the cars driving by, some trees and the moon. Nothing much ever happens out there anyway. My life needs to be more dramatic and full or surprises, be it good or bad.

Dreams are like shards from a broken mirror
Pieces fall onto the floor and hope dissipates
And like fools we trample on the sharp pieces
Blinded by the pain, we don't see our flesh separate
Our blood pours from the wound
But we are numbed and euphoric
Our lives are speared with lies
That stem from fractured politics
We have our doubts about reality
Our honorable faith are based on fears
We will shed our tears in vain again
Our poisoned blood will flow for years
Society's hedonistic ways are markers
Leading us to the broken souls' convocation
Tomorrows are the steps we take -
Just a little closer to eternal damnation

In conjunction with the price increase of cigarettes here in Malaysia, I have decided to cut down and hopefully quit smoking. (Note that I said smoking and not toking) Cigarette count of the day: 7. Not that bad as opposed to the usual full pack a day. Since I suspect that cutting down on smokes will lead to an increase in my weight (I tend to eat more when I don't smoke), I've also decided that I need to cut back on the drinking and late night sojourns to the local loklok stalls. My decrepit lungs and liver will thank me for it.

My personal opinion on the price increase:
I think it's stupid for the government to increase cigarette prices. If the price keeps going up, pretty soon cigarettes will become luxury items and we all know us Chinese, who are also one of the largest smoking community, loves luxury items. Why do you think Hong Kong has more Rolls Royce per capita than anywhere else in the world? Impressionable kids and adults alike will want to buy cigarrettes if not to smoke, then to fit in; to show that they can afford it. I think cigarette prices should remain constant.

B's response to my above rantings:
Spoken like a true nicotine addict.

My opinion:
STFU! I hope they increase the prices of booze too! Alcoholic! *Gives B the finger*

Too many people around me suffer from depression, insomnia and other psychological illnesses. All I can say is, get help. Drive to the General Hospital. Go to the specialist wing. Look for the word "Psikologi". Walk right in, register then wait. When it's your turn, tell the damn doctor that you can't sleep and whatever shit that's bothering you. When he asks you a question, reply with a NON sensible answer. He'll hook you up with Xanax. Or Prozac. Or Valium. Or Zoloft. Or whatever. And if you don't need it anymore, sell it to those who do. Why not make a profit out of it?

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, the whole world doesn't revolve around you. If you know that you have a problem, then wouldn't treating it be the right thing to do? Being depressed is NOT COOL dammit. Being insomniac is NOT COOL either. Being crazy could be cool, especially if you think you're a pirate with an eyepatch, has a parrot for a best friend, has a wooden peg for a left leg and you try to hijack a sampan and take the sampan man's earnings at the Kuching Waterfront. Arrrrrr!! Shiver me timbers!!

***8 out of 10 people who thought that they suffer from depression and/or insomnia DO NOT!

My advise is, get yourself certified and buy yourself a range of abuseable prescription drugs and stop whining. Infact, if you had the drugs, you wouldnt even be whining anymore!

With that said, I am going to click on Publish Post, pop a Xanax and go to sleep.

Life and modern medicine. Isn't it all just wonderful?

Stone Session

This picture amuses me. I got it off everyonedoesit.com. Was looking for something funny to see like a video or flash anime when I came across their picture gallery. Funny shit. Then again, what's not? heheheheheh

***tokes :) =) :) =) =) =)

Gojira! Gojira!!

***1723 hours on a boring Thursday Afternoon

A green tree lizard has decided to make a home in our living room.

I tried to catch it with a huge used towel but it kept running away. It's a lizard, so I can't blame him but I so wish that he'd just stay put so that I can bring him outside.

While trying to catch it, I've also realized that the lizard bears a striking resemblance to my friend, Fabian.

I've also concluded that Fabian is the gayest name ever.

I'd go watch tv in the living room but the lizard is there. *sigh*

*Sinks lower into chair*

***0058 hours, 30th Sept 2005

I managed to get the damn lizard out of the house with a plastic bag covering my hand. I daren't touch it with my bare hands.

A good night all in all. Played mahjong with the usual players. Won again.

Managed to configure my adsl connection to the pc and my laptop. Now I'm wireless even at home! YEAY!!!!

*spins around wildly until head hits the floor and contiues lying down watching the ceiling spin*

I'm the man!

Another Day in Paradise?

I think not!

6:00pm on a boring Tuesday evening.

The front of my house faces the west. Therefore I'm typing this with the sunlight streaming through my window to the left. I hate it. I would get up to close the curtains but I'm feeling lethargic, perhaps from the hits I took last night. Another dreamless slumber. I woke up today, took one look at the display time on my trustee little cell and thought "Good Lord it's 4pm!! Congratulations!" Tomorrow, I intend to sleep until 5pm. That way I don't have to see much of the sun at all.

6:03pm on a boring Tuesday evening

Staring at my screen again. It's kinda euphoric. I have spent the past two hours getting the "chatterbox" up on my page. I finally did it, as you can see. HAH! The next thing to do is to place the visitors counter thingy up. Unfortunately, the site where it's available seems to be down.

*strangles gloomy doll #137*

Guilt
Guilt hinders. I'm sure everyone knows that. If you didn't know that you're probably an idiot. Why do some people feel guilty for the things that they do or say? I mean, if you are going to feel guilty about it, then why do it? Why say it? I refuse to let guilt get to me! Infact, from now on, I shall be guilt-free. There is nothing that I say or do that will make me feel bad. Other people will just have to learn to deal with it!

And to those that disagree with me and think that I lack conscience...



...and if you do not comprehend the above two words, I'll strangle you like I did the gloomy dolls!

*stops breathing and counts to 10. Starts breathing again*

***Half of the people I know should cease to breathe.

For He's A Jolly Good Weiner..

Fernando Alonso has done it! The youngest man ever to win an F1 Championship title!!!




Well..that's about as much celebration as I'm gonna be doing tonight.

Watching the F1 always brings about fond memories. Not that I can recall them now. Thinking and typing is so hard when one is stoned. Mind-Hand coordination is totally non-existent.

Listening to the same Chinese song over and over. I just realized that good Chinese songs are usually about love, breaking up, love, promises, love, happiness, love. Chinese rap/rock/jazz/other genres are just not good!

My mutated monkey gods are staring at me again. One of them is hiding my bong for me. Everytime I talk about my mutated monkey gods, people look at me weird. I tried explaining to them that those mutated monkeys are just teddy bears that I bought from McDonald's a few years back. Remember those little bears? Yes, I have all of them. I still stand by my statement that they do not look like bears at all. Hence, mutated monkeys!!

***Note to self, post pictures of the mutated monkeys in the near future.

Currently looking for a new book to read. My sister has gotten hold of a copy of Growing Up Pains: Adrian Mole. It's the second book after The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole; Age 13 3/4. And after reading that first book, I have no wish to read the second book at all. No way! Still thinking of the next book to read.

Oh yes, Kimi Raikonnen talks like a mouse. Kinda cute but has a great potential of annoying you the more you hear him talk.

I shall leave this as it is, lest I get too carried away.

Spiraling Towards Earth...

...and soaring just 3 inches above ground.

Topic of the day: Adrian Mole.



Reading this diary of a pre-pubescent child has proved to be quite bland. I was somewhat disappointed because I kept expecting big things to happen.

How did I come about reading this book? I was having a discussion with a close acquaintance of mine and she asked if I had ever read The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Age 13 3/4 when I was younger. I told her that I hadn't. She gave me a very dramatic but somewhat superfluous gasp and promptly went on a rant about how good it was. So I went in search of it and now that I have the book, I feel a little bit sick in the stomach for buying it just because another person swears that it's good. Never trust the critics!

Adrian Mole is a 13 year old kid who thinks that he's an intellectual and can't decide if he wants to be a vet or a poet. He's also very vain and worries about his acne a little too much. He lives with his father, who is still hung up about his wife running off with the neighbour. His best friend is Nigel who stole the love of his life, Pandora. How screwed is that? Of course, they're only 13 so Pandora broke up with Nigel to be with another fellow from school. Adrian is also the only person it seems who is paying for the livelihood of the school bully Barry Kent (Or atleast I think it was Barry Kent) Don't we all just love high school drama?

Suffice to say, the book is about a 13 year old loser, dealing with separated parents and backstabbing bitches in school.

I don't get it. What's so interesting about it? Am I missing the point? What does my friend see in the book that I don't? Maybe I read it a little too late. Perhaps if I had read this when I was 13-14, I'd find it much more appealing.

*Shrugs and Sigh*

Weight = Ego, vice versa.

What do I look like now? LOOK ABOVE DUMBASS!

Here's my dillemma. I don't feel like smoking pot tonight, mainly because I think I've killed too many braincells in the past couple of weeks. On the other hand, if I don't smoke up, I feel homicidal. Go figure.

Hanging out in IRC just doesn't cut it. Everytime I log into some channel and say "I have steel nipples!" they kick me out within the next 2 seconds. I hope the ops in there grow fat and ugly like this!



Then again they probably look like that already.

I hate fat people! They eat too much, they talk too much and they're usually too cocky and think that they're about as omniscient as God. The size of the person determines the ego. All those crappy movies about how some fat bitch or bastard is feeling all inferior and sad because he/she is fat and alone is pure bullshit.

The worse kinds are those who were thin and hot before but grew fat because they somehow lost control of their diet. They live in the illusion that they're still thin and hot and pretty desireable. Well news flash people! You're all fat, ugly and egotistical! It's just too bad that their brains aren't as big as their asses!

If you think that's not bad enough, there's still another variable that can be added into the above that makes them even more despicable. Money! Rich people who were thin and hot before but grew fat and ugly; and still think that they're hot and pretty desirable and possess egotistical qualities, possibly thinking that us women are just in it for their cash are the worst. I'll refer to these group of people as Dipshits. Kuching is full of them! DIE DIPSHIT! DIE!!

I mean, good God! Have they never tried looking into the mirror?! If a mirror is unavailable, I'd suggest that they look into the toilet bowl for their reflection in the water. What in God's name makes them think that some of us women can love a face and build like that? I'll bet even their moms don't think they're cute chubby and loveable anymore. Yes, women are superficial but some of us prefer looks over those greens.

Yes! That is a fact!

*curls into a foetal position, rocking back and forth crying "make it go away..make it go away..make it go away.." over and over again*

Fillers For My Soul, My Oh So Decrepit Soul

The window to my left is constantly reminding me that the world still exists, no matter how hard I try not to acknowledge it.

Here's what I'd like to see every morning when I wake up:

1. Not the sun
2. Not my mom
3. The view above.

Mainly because it doesn't have anyone in it.