Misconceptions. Misdirections. People assume things. They assume that I can do it. They assume that I have it. For example, everyone thinks that I'm this nice person that does nice things. Some assume that I'm this bitchy person that does all the wrong things.

The truth of the matter is I'm just as confused as..well, as a mule in stuck in the arctic. That actually is a bad metaphor seeing as the mule would be dead considering how cold it is up there.

Then again I wish I was dead already.

I'm do not have suicidal tendencies. In fact, I love life. Everyday I try to do something different. Someone told me "do something that scares you everyday". Everything scares me these days. The lack of direction, the lack of a social life, the lack of cash, the turmoil of emotions that runs through my being everytime I see something that I don't like, the fury and the need to lash out at someone just because things are not going the way I want it to go.

But for now, I truly give up all hope. There's just no point in fighting the mass.

Kudos.

Sometimes in life, you just cannot get what you want.

I apologize to those that I've wronged. I hope you get what you want out of life.

Today has been pretty much uneventful to say the least. When all is said and done, and the world has come to pass, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my arse.

Really.

I wonder..

If you were me would you feel the same way?
What am I? Who am I?
I am collateral damage
You have it all
A life, a home, a family
I have nothing
Right now, it feels like I have noone either

If you were in my shoes
Would you be hurting like I am hurting now?
Would you cry, could you stop crying
Would you scream into your pillow
In hopes that noone else can hear your sorrows?
A ghost of what I once was


I wonder..
If you were me
If you had gone through what I had
Would you still be alive
Or would you have given up?

Run away from reality, my friend
Insanity is your one true friend
This is it, this is the end
But I'm vindicated, free from blame

It is not I who is a failure
It is not I who wasn't sure
Your stupidity is beyond measure
Your idiocy is something even God cannot cure

I think my world just came crashing down.

I think I'm having a panic attack but I can't really tell.

I think I need to take a few steps back, create an opening for myself to escape from this whole situation, walk away with atleast a little shred of dignity.

I think I lost this war, this time.

I think my heart is broken but I'm too numb to tell.

I think I want to cry but I can't.

Like Velvet Underground once sang "...and I think, I just don't know"


***Note to self: No more...no more..

I can't remember how long has it been since I felt even remotely awake and sober. It scares me that I'm only happier, more outgoing when I'm stoned or drunk. Good news is, I ran out of weed. From 250grams to NONE. Took us 3 months. Bad news is, I'm drinking a lot more than I'm supposed to.

I've lost directions. Most of my days are spent at home now until I'm ready to head to Luconia and offer my liver up as sacrifice for a few hours of alcohol-induced happiness. I don't want to work. Work sucks. Having to adhere to rules and conform to societal norms suck.

Friend of mine, Sylvia finally gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I think she's going to name him Cedric. How cute. He's all small and squint eyed and has already mastered the art of Kung-Fu. The kid can kick. I want one too but mine will be a whole lot more adorable! Otherwise I'd just hate him. Oh, it has to be a him..otherwise, why bother? Little girls are just annoying.

So yeah, I guess if you are old and rich and can't find anyone to give u a baby..holla me back! I don't want to work anymore and I want a kid too, so as long as you can offer us financial security we're all set. You don't even have to be hot..I'll provide the 'hotness'. My family has good strong dominant genes, I swear.

*sigh*

Remember how I said men in China look like Kim Jong Il and they like to stare at my boobs?

Photo from B. White of Murder in a Tuxedo.

Give me life tonight
For I grow weak and cold
From this superficial world
I wish to cease
A part of my soul
Wretched in a mass of deceit
But what is truth
And which are lies
My tired mind cannot derive
I watch another sunrise
And wait for its setting rays
To grace upon the land
the land that I wish to be free from
the land which I'm rooted upon

Show me life
For I cannot remember
The smell of fresh cut grass
and unadultered innocence
The taste of morning breeze
and blind naivety
I close my eyes and wait
for the descent of slumber
Glorious sleep, glorious sleep,
Elude me not this day
Blessed slumber,
I bid you Good morning,
and with this
Let my dreams take flight.

People I know are hypocrites.

They pretend to be nice and they expect me to pretend to be nice to people that I don't like. Why? What's the point? Why do I have to sit through a dumb meaningless conversation, put up with pointless formality and pretend that everything's fine and dancy. Please, spare me.

If I don't like you, I have the right to just stay away from you. Otherwise I might end up doing and/or saying things that I may or may not regret.

Suffice to say though, I seldom say things that I regret. What's the point? I believe that I am most honest when I'm pissed.

I wake up to find that this burst of anger is uncalled for but right now, I am seriously pissed at just about everyone and I am allowed to gripe because guess what? It's MY blog!

Oh..Special hugs for Nige Powah! If there's one thing you taught me, it's this:

"I BOMB YOU CUNTREE! YOU ARE DIE NOW!!!!"

People I know are hypocrites.

They pretend to be nice and they expect me to pretend to be nice to people that I don't like. Why? What's the point? Why do I have to sit through a dumb meaningless conversation, put up with pointless formality and pretend that everything's fine and dandy. Please, spare me.

If I don't like you, I have the right to just stay away from you. Otherwise I might end up doing and/or saying things that I may or may not regret.

Suffice to say though, I seldom say things that I regret. What's the point? I believe that I am most honest when I'm pissed.

I wake up to find that this burst of anger is uncalled for but right now, I am seriously pissed at just about everyone and I am allowed to gripe because guess what? It's MY blog!

Oh..Special hugs for Nigel. If there's one thing you taught me, it's this:

I BOMB YOU CUNTREE! YOU ARE DIE NOW!!!!"

If you take an orange and start throwing it against a wall til it's soft and then throw it onto the floor and start jumping on it over and over again, letting the juice spray everywhere until there's nothing left but a dirty messy pile of orange pulp and peel..you'll find that that's how I feel right now.

Crushed. Orange Crushed.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to inform you that flight mh389 will be delayed indefinitely due to immigration clearence. Chinese officials are unable to give us an estimate as to when we will be able to..."

Yes. I believe in karma now. This is China trying to get back at me for giving them the finger dressed in the most unconservative way in a previous post. I HATE CHINA!

Stuck inside an un-moving plane for 2 hours makes me want to scream. No, I did not. I took it out on another person. A person that won't give me what I want and I swear I have given him all that I can.

Why do people fall in love? Why do people like me fall in love? Do I ask for a lot? No, I seriously do not think so. All I want is a shot at doing things right, at the same kind of happiness other people have. Yet I fail. Jesus must hate me a lot. Read, J00 4r3 4 f41lur3! J35u5 h4+35 J00!

I digress again. Where was I? Oh..okay. As a result, my flight from Shanghai to KLIA which was supposed to depart at 1535 hours finally took off at 1720 hours. Gut feeling told me that I wouldn't make it in time for my connecting flight back to Kuching at 2215 hours.

I was right. Upon arriving at KLIA, MAS' ground staff was waiting, holding a sign that says "Kuching, Penang, Melbourne Transfers". I gave him my boarding pass, so did a few other people. The ones going to Penang were given new boarding passes for a later flight. Two other fellow Sarawakians and I were given a food voucher and placed in a hotel room.

The hotel room has no windows. I opened the curtains to find a wall staring back at me. It was unnerving. I have never been in a hotel room that doesn't have windows and i dont understand why there are curtains when there are no windows and i absolutely loathe it.

I'd post pics of the hotel room..but i can't be bothered.

My mutated monkey gods are not on my side today.

I hate life.

Everybody hates me.

I want to die.

There, my daily dose of emo whining.

How do we sleep at night knowing that we are hurting another person?
How do we sleep at night if we are that person who's hurting?
How do we hold our heads up high when there is no pride left in us?
How do we go on if we feel that there is no hope left?
How do we go through life knowing that we are second best?
How much can a person bleed?
How much sadness can one person take?
How does one go back to where it all began?
How long does it take before one regains...

:(

Okay, almost time to go home so I can wrap up my trip now. Upon arriving in Shanghai, I found that the place is actually quite clean and the skyline is great. Having been on ground level for the past few months however, I've found that there are certain things about Shanghai that I dislike.

The Men
I was told that Shanghainese are generally very proud. They pride themselves in being modern, shrewd, beautiful and the lord knows what else since they live in the largest city in China - also the ONLY city that actually resembles a city in China.

Three days into my trip, I was walking pass a park (not through it, mind you) when this guy grabbed my right arm and said in mandarin "Can we be friends?" to which I replied in English "I'm sorry, I don't speak Chinese", a lie of course - to which he said and I quote "ohh! uh..hotel! Make love!" so I grabbed him by the neck because I was angry and some girl came up and asked me what's going on and I told her and she in turn screamed for the policeman who was walking towards us already anyway and took the guy away. Asshole.

Okay..that's first encounter.

A week in, I realize that people here are not only proud. They are obnoxious. The chinks are rude, full of themselves and think that the world revolves around them. They are also under the impression that the whole world is trying to learn mandarin, that mandarin is the new franca lingua! Why? Because they themselves do not speak English and therefore, all the westerners that I've seen here carry around English - Mandarin dictionaries. DUMBASSES! It's not because they're trying to learn your language, it's because you don't speak the international language!

To survive in Shanghai, one must learn how to be rude and obnoxious. If I stay here any longer, I'd become as bitchy and as bitter as they are. Truth to be told, I've already adapted.

For example, everytime I walk out of the apartment building wearing one of the tops that I brought, men here (and I swear, they all look like Kim Jong Il) stare at my boobs..women too..and at my tattoo if I'm not facing them. I'd turn around and see them staring. Sometimes they'd walk really close to say something but I've never listened hard enough to hear what they're saying.

At first, I was annoyed at how conservative the people here are. And then I got pissed. So when this guy came up to me one day and said something, I told him really really loudly so that everyone around me could hear "DO NOT TALK TO ME! EVEN MY SHOES ARE MORE EXPENSIVE THAN YOUR LIFE!!" in mandarin..and he went quiet and I've never gotten stares from the people downstairs since.

People here are not used to girls talking back at them. You needn't worry about getting beaten up by triads like in Kuching either. Raise your voice once and they become all docile and nice.

I learnt two things from that experience.

1. My mandarin is fluent only when I'm angry.
2. People here are only nice to you if you're bitchy.

The Women
Next, I met this two Shanghainese girls Joy and Wei through a friend from Singapore. Let's call him T.
Joy and my Singaporean friend, T.

Now, T met Joy approximately four months ago on his first (I think) trip here in a club. T has since falled head over heels in love with Joy. T has also spent numerous amounts of call credits, calling and sms-ing her from Singapore. On top of that, he has also spent a lot of money on her, buying gifts and giving her cash to spend. He has once asked Jubes to help pass her RMB5,000 but Jubes refused, thank God.

Joy and her friend Wei told T a sop story about how Joy spent 9 years in Sydney and holds and Australian passport but doesn't like to speak English. T told me that everytime he speaks English she would scold him. Joy also likes to sleep and does not wake up til 4-5pm every day. She also goes to the salon everyday upon waking up.

Okay, that's the background. On the eve of the day that T was supposed to leave, he came over to hang out here and we smoked a few joints and then he started talking about her non stop. I think he himself isn't so sure of this girl which is why he keeps talking about and asking for opinions about her. He told me how she brought him to her aunt's place for dinner and promptly got introduced to her cousin who happens to be a bookie and is owing people RMB600,000 and that her family is trying to help him and can come up with RMB570,000 so she needed to borrow RMB30,000 from him. He also mentioned that she coulnd't go to the airport to see him off the next day because she would not be awake yet. (?!)

So being stoned and being sick of getting my stoneness killed by someone who wouldn't stop talking about her, I decided to tell him off.

Point 1: She meets him around 5pm everyday and then has dinner with us and leaves with her friend Wei at around 9pm or so. What does she do after that?

Point 2: What kind of friend would not see another friend off at the airport especially if he made this trip solely to see her?

Point 3: What does she do after 9pm everyday? Why does she wake up at 4pm-5pm?!

I pointed the above out to him and then I finally found out that she works in a nightclub as a hostess. He swears that she doesn't sleep with customers, she just sings and drinks with them!

My conclusion: She's just in it for the cash. Worst part, my friend hasn't even gotten to 2nd base with her yet. But let's be honest, my friend isn't exactly Brad Pitt either and having been single for the past 4 years, it's inevitable.

The People in General
So then I went to the salon, mostly out of boredom and the fact that it's really cheap here. The two guys that did my hair started talking to me, asked me where I'm from and all that. I told them that I am from Malaysia. No surprise that they don't know where it is but when I asked them what's good to eat in Shanghai, they asked me if I've ever been to KFC or McD's. I learnt that day that KFC and McD's are a luxury here. I know! WTF!! I almost laughed my head off at them. I went to KFC the other day and realized why. 1 piece of chicken costs 7 bucks. YARGH!

To make matters worst, they decided to try and sell me some L'oreal hair product for RMB800. Infact, this is how the conversation started.

Guy: Do you want to buy this hair treatment cream?

Me: What hair treatment cream?

Guy: This one. By L'oreal.

Me: Uh..How much is that?

Guy: Ohh only RMB800. Have you ever heard of L'oreal? It's from Paris.

At this point I started laughing and told him that L'oreal product is mediocre brand and are sold in supermarkets in Malaysia. Then I took out my Christian Dior eye shadow and asked him "Have you ever heard of Christian Dior?" to which he replied no and I said to him "In that case, don't try to cheat my cash." In anycase, he sold me the L'oreal hair mask for RMB200. I WIN!

As I was leaving the salon, the manager there decided to talk to me. She decided to critisize my face and my clothing. This is how the conversation went.

Manager: Where are you from?

Me: Malaysia

Manager: Ohh..*blank*. Your skirt's very short. *looks at my back* Ohh..no wonder. You have a tattoo.

Me: Yeah...

Manager: So you wear this to show off your tattoo?

Me: Look woman, I don't know what it is about you people and tattoos but mine has been around for about 4 years now and where I come from, 9 out of 10 of the girls I know has a tattoo so we really don't need to show it off anymore.

Manager: Oh..I see. Uh..do you want to do facial? You're very dark and your skin needs improvement.

Me: No, not really.

Manager: Why not? Girls in Shanghai come in here to do facials all the time. We don't use much make up, we stress on good skin.

Me: *insulted* Duh! women here don't know about anything other than trying to be beautiful because they need their looks to make money. Let's face it, half of you only know how to try and con people off their cash and the other half work in nightclubs, correct?

Manager: Yes, but still they are beautiful girls and have fair skin.

Me: Beautiful on the outside, dirty on the inside. I spend a lot of time at resorts all over the world to get the perfect tan. What about you? Have u been outside of China at all?!

Manager: Yes..Hong Kong.

Me: *laughs* Hong Kong was returned to China back in '97, haven't you heard? *walks away*

Again, all the above conversations were conducted in Mandarin and once more, my mandarin rocks when I am pissed! So HAH to you Latzes back home!

This is what I want to say to China

ORGY SASHIMI! MITSUBISHI HONDA TOYOTA! BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

My pride hit ground zero today, not much different from the WTC back in '99.

I do not understand people who complain about their lives when it's already going so well. Worst, they do things that contradict what they have been complaining about.

I envy those that have the financial freedom that I don't - there are debts to be paid, sins of the forefathers carried down to the next generation and the next and the next.

When I have a kid I will teach him to embrace magnanimity, because as we all know life is a war and in wars there are winners and then there are losers and victory is only an interregnum before the next war begins again.

I keep telling myself that the sky is my limit, that I can reach for the stars if I try hard enough, but everytime that I do, I fall face first onto the ground below..but it always feels like I never hit the ground, just soaring two inches above..gliding through.

I need to revamp my life. I need to feel beautiful again. B, you are the only person that makes me feel beautiful, though I don't even know why. You are the only person that actually listens to my rant, correct me when I'm wrong, tell me when I'm right, encourage me to go after my dreams. You are by far, the only person that truly listen.

You were right. Life isn't about changing someone, his life, his perception. It's about pursuing our own happiness. I tried to change him but it's just not working out the way I thought it would.

***Note to self: Move on, move up, don't look back, don't look down. Do NOT fall!

Look At It From My Point Of View...

Staple diet. Caramel Macchiato and Dunhill.

I got bored and started playing around with my cam?

I asked everyone what the boat was carrying. Noone knows.

Big red truck. I like big red trucks! It's from the Fire Dept. Seriously.

When I was in Vietnam, people used to squat around. I think it's mandatory to squat in third world countries.

I wanted to ride this thing.
How can the street be empty with 20 million people living here?

The view from my apartment at night. I'm on the 5th floor. The other buildings are apartments too. Scary.

Hehe, I found this shop yesterday. Ku Wak Chai!!!!!

I think they bought their clothes at Ku Wak Chai!

There's something about streets that are lined with trees that I love very very much. And women on bicycles.

This is me, in Shanghai's Waterfront..or more widely known as The Bund! WooT. Does it even look like China?

Yeap..more of me. You guys will see me putting on weight gradually as food is good and cheap. Okay, it's not that great but it sure is CHEAP! Woot!

This is breakfast. It's served with "yaw char kuay", some dough that's deepfried, almost like a doughnut but harder, very oily and GOOD! It comes with a drink and it set me back RMB6; which is RM3, which is USD0.88! bwahahahah

This is a very healthy ginseng chicken + other spare parts soup. The chicken is black. Nigga to the max. This proves that I'm not a racist. This soup cost me RMB30, which is RM15, USD5 or so. In Malaysia, this would cost me RM70 or more!

This is what I hated seeing most. I'm glad Schumacher didn't win last night. I'm sad that Alonso didn't even make it to the finish. I'm angry that de la Rosa actually made it to the podium and I have mixed feelings about Button now. A mixture of pure hatred and lust.

Starbucks is everywhere. This is my favourite Starbucks, or "xin ba ke" if you wanna be chink about it. This one is located in this area called Xin Tian Di. It's like the Main Bazaar back home where a bunch of all buildings have been renovated/refurnished/re-whatever to make it all nice and clean and thus turned into a tourist attraction area. There's a museum somewhere in there but they didn't allow me to take pictures.

It's also filled with alleys that look like this. I somehow find that the alleys are more beautiful than the other areas.

Remember Anthony Bourdain or Ian Wright on TV talking about the Pao(more like dumplings if you ask me) that's sold at the temple that's filled with crab roe and everyone just wants to buy them?

They weren't kidding. Check out the line in front of me...I can't even see the shop from here!

And THEN check out the line behind me. Suffice to say, I gave up halfway..No food can be THAT great. Of course I'll go back again sometime this week, when there aren't as many people. *keeps fingers crossed and remembers to bring her AK for maximum genocide effex0rs!*

Temple + McDs. Thus, McD's = Food for the Gods! I TOLD JOO SO! I TOLD JOO SO!! RAWR!

Blah..I have more pics but I can't be bothered to write about them all..and am unable to log into multiply from here. Next time my fans, next time. Don't push it! Gah! hehe

Stoned in Shanghai

China has disappointed me. I was expecting to meet rude people, see people digging their own ditches to take a crap, animal cadavres lining the streets (marinated or non marinated). Shanghai is very very cosmopolitan. People from all over the world are here, most of them for work. Most of the chinks here are nice too, except the taxi drivers. Those are an angry lot. They honk for no reason and for every reason. BEEEP!!!!

Shanghai is very clean too. This is how they clean their walls. I guess if labour in Malaysia is cheaper, we'd be able to afford men cleaning walls with the smallest of brushes.

Over here, the skyline is dominated by skyscrapers that rival Hong Kong's. Let me put it this way, the tallest building in Asia is now in Shanghai...but I don't know which is it because everywhere I look, the buildings are so gigantic and tall it makes me feel small. Then again, I'm walking amonsgt 17 million people. No wonder I feel so small.

I will blog more when I get back to Kuching. Oh yes, the Chinese officials at the airport doesn't do nuts. Show them your passport and they'll stamp it and wave you through impatiently. I managed to smuggle some greens over too. YEAY!

See...I told you guys that one day I'll make it back to Mainland China!!! Shanghai, here I come! And my Nanak is going with me!! w00taneous!!!

It's late at night, I'm sitting here by the radio,
Playing our song over and over again,
I am vindicated even though Im still angry
I'm confused when I'm sober
I'm lost when I'm high
I swallow my pills to take away
the memory of your smile
And I'm broken and all done for
I can't do this anymore
It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle
It feels as if I'm never good enough
Like trying to charter stars with Aristotle
I have to stop seeing you to save myself
Before I start to lose more than my sanity
Do you see how you hurt me?
Do you know how much I bleed inside?
In your mind your actions are justified,
That you have a reason for all that you do
I tried to understand,
to see it from your point of view
And to justify your actions too
But the only thought in my head
Before I fall asleep each night
Is that I'm not good enough for you.

I'm gonna call him Bob. I found Bob on the beach. Since then we have found that there's a special something between us. Bob loves me just like I love him. Bob has many legs and claws. Bob is able to carry about 4 AKs and 2 bombs..if he were bigger. But still..Bob rawks! But alas, I had to let Bob go. He was too young to be enlisted into my army of Malaysian Kung Fu Monkeys, Radioactive Hamster Chickens, Elite Commando Chickens with Full Body Tats and Destroyer Crabs with Nukes. :(

Here's my take on the Israel - Lebanon issue...and wars in general.

Blind faith kills.

Faith in God - Christians truly believe that their God exists despite the fact that Christianity is on the of youngest religion. I've seen things that Christianity doesn't explain since they condemn the existence of spirits and ghosts roaming the earth. They're there alright. If I could take a picture of them, I would.

Faith in Allah - Pamphlets, Bin Laden, Hamas, Hizbollah. WTF!

Faith in the system - This is why people join the army. And then they go nuts and blame the country. Malaysians do not join the army. Especially the Chinese. Well, not voluntarily anyway. We are too busy trying to make money.

Faith in our Leaders - Again, Bin Laden, Hitler, Bush..NEED I SAY MORE?!

*sigh*

Blind Faith Kills.

The clock is ticking and I am scared. Merely 12 hours to go. You weren't around when I needed you. How do I get pass this, I don't even know.

My friends and family and generally everyone else never fail to disappoint me. And I do mean everyone.

Hari ini, saya akan type blog saya dengan menggunakan Bahasa Melayu sebab saya bosan. Saya juga ingin find out berapa banyak yang dapat aku type dalam masa 30 minit.

.......

Okay. Bahasa Melayu saya tidaklah chun sangat. Masa SPM dapat unit 7. Sungguh menduka-citakan. Walau bagaimanapun, saya tidak ingin dikenali sebagai seorang Malaysian yang tidak faham BM. Jadi, hari ini saya "make effort" untuk type menggunakan BM.

Tetapi, activity ini tidak berjalan-lancar seperti yang diagakkan (sp?).

Saya putus-asa.

Heh

If I could choose to live life all over again, I'd correct all my mistakes and tell Ivan I'm so sorry. Happy Birthday to u too.

I do not remember what a normal relationship feels like.

Some people get to keep theirs. I get to annihilate them. Twice.

I am unable to care for myself.

I am not emo. I do not think "everybody hates me" and cry in the dark. It's more like "I hate everyone and would 'accidentally' pull the trigger in your face."

If I were a Lebanese, I would not be typing this. I'd be crouching around under pieces of debris trying to stay alive and away from bombs.

I need to get richer.

I want to tap into Russia's power and gas market. Unfortunately, they are asking for 80 million bucks. I have less that 0.1% of the said amount.

I died a long time ago. 2002 to be exact.

And I need to beat someone up. So if you want to give me crap today, feel free. Bear in mind that I might kick your ass. Bear in mind too that in the unlikely event that I fail to hurt you and get caught and go to jail for it, you can bet your ass that I will come back and try and try again until I succeed i.e. until you're rotting 3 feet underground, in a shallow grave behind my house, decomposing and nourishing my fruit trees. After that I'll be the goverment's problem. But if I get away with your murder, I'll probably deal drugs and weapons, if I can find the suppliers. Afterall, what company in their right mind would hire a jailbird? And if I get caught again then, atleast I'll rest well, knowing that you died in my hands :)

Bah

My "burstday" like I said was a quiet evening spent with friends and family. :) Pictures courtesy of Mr and Mrs Lester Lim.

This is one of the two recently acquired Frog Fish (I think). It wins the Luconian Award for the Most Unsavoury Looking Resident Drunk. Runners up include Lo and and Steven Ming, Dave's friend. Heh

These are the people that I truly truly love with all of my heart and soul. A few others are not in this picture and deserve to be mentioned. cheRie™ and Jubes arenn't even in the pic!

From Left: Jerome Lee, Fat-But-Now-Thin Uncle Bill, Ryan Lai, Gary Wong, Hope™, Garry Wong, Lester and Fiona. Oh yeah..the starfish behind, his name is Blue. The little yellow orange spec in the aquarium, that's Thomas. Thomas is a Clown Wrasse. I love Thomas.

From left: Jerome Lee, Fat-But-Now-Thin Uncle Bill, Hope™, Lester, Ryan Lai and Patricia. The necklace has to go. It's too long too bland too out of place. It's not a Freudian slip when I say "Bead it!"

I am 4 feet, buck toothed, cross-eyed...like I keep telling people..but they don't believe me. Skankin Hoes! Lester looks like a native and I think Fiona just went over the edge, back into insanity.

Ohh look! It's the Jubes! I love Jubes! Jubes is my best friend when I'm drunk, stoned or sober. Jubes is the rock that keeps me anchored to the ground. Otherwise I'd prolly get high and never come back down..literally. Jubes Rock! I love You Jubes! J00 4r3 +h3 B35+35+!!

This is the latest addition to my ever-expanding family. Welcome to the family Fiona, just to make it official. You've been family for years now. I hope you give me a good healthy baby nephew and name him Buster. Middle name Cherry. Buster Cherry, Buster! (I need to thank Cirrus for the idea, wherever he got it from).

See Jimmy? Hi Jimmy! Jimmy is my bartender. The resident bartender of Luconia. He has cool inks on his arm..and everywhere else. He will gladly show you his beer-belly (full tank for a sex machine, he calls it). Oh and me, looking wasted.

This is what I feel like at the end of the night. RIP. *sigh* Yeap..one of the two Frog Fishes died, we couldn't save him so we threw him into the drain behind. He's going to Fish-Heaven where he will meet his maker, the Supreme Kari Fish Head.

It's my birthday and I'll type whatever I want to..whatever I want to...

I'm older now and hopefully, wiser.

The birthday is the same every year. Meeting up with the gang, have a few drinks, talk a bit. Same shit, different pile. It was all good fun and I managed to not puke after 5 bottles of whiskey and half a bottle of tequila and B52s. *pats on the head*

See, the thing about birthdays is that it doesn't matter where you are or what you do. As long as you're with the people that you like, the people whose company you enjoy, people that you deem to be friends, you're alright.

They're not easy to come by. One would have to know a person really really long, to know his/her history, to understand why does he/she think/act the way he/she does. Some try to understand, most fail. Some just stab you in the back, I've had my fair share of that. I do not know why they bother though. Don't they know that I'm invincible? The only person who can take my life is God, diabetes and cancer. Unfortunately for you lot, God does not exist..so you're just going to have to wait for either diabetes or cancer to do the job. Don't worry, it's inevitable.

Incidentally, someone mentioned to me the other day that I was jealous of a certain friend before cause I wanted her bf. I was so shocked to find that this person thought this low of me. I have always felt that he understood that I was angry because Tek was in on the whole play with Yvonne's feelings thing. He even helped me log in and out to make sure that everything went smoothly when I decided to fool this evil biznatch with nasty teeth to believe that she can actually find love with a face like that. That m'dear, is a face only a mother could love. Unless the mother happens to be me because I'd so punch her jaws back into place, thus killing her.

Let me not digress. We were talking about friends. To those who actually tried to understand thank you. But to lester and Fiona - (they're a single entity now) Lester and Fiona FINALLY tied the knot. So congratulations both of you. However, screw you for not waiting for me and the rest of them for a mass marriage on the top of Mount Santubong! Goddam! - and Ms. Cherie Foo, my partner in crime..obviously also everyone else's partner in crime. You guys r0x0rs!

These are the people I want to remember when I'm old and possibly suffering from Alzheimer's.

A conversation with B

What are you going to do about it?

Nothing. Just sitting here wondering what to do next. There's a lot of things to be taken into consideration. It's not like it's never been done before. I'll just have to get through this one more time.

I'm surprised that you're not angry

No, no. Vindicated, magnanimous. There's is no point in getting angry anymore.

I understand, you're giving up?

Pretty much. What would you do if you were me?

I suppose I'd do the same too. Give it all up and then taking it a day at a time from then on. There's only 4 years left come this 15th.

I know.

Well, congrats and my condolences.

Thank you.

My emotional roller-coaster ride
Took me to the edge of life
I let go of my hands
Fell into this deadly dance
I cannot come back now
Don't want to, don't know how
And in the end, I lost it all
My dreams,
My hopes,
My heart,
My soul.

Free atlast.

Some men are just retarded. It is no wonder why some of their offsprings come out retarded.

After a string of emotional roller-coaster rides, I feel like regurgitating everything, including my memory of having ever to meet these retards and I do meet them on a daily basis.

If you're reading this, there is a big possibility that you are one of them.

Kudos.

Unfriendly world, why do you fool me so?
Have I angered you, Destiny?
I truly never wish it to be so,
It isn't my fault, don't you see?

*sigh*

Some random thoughts:-

1. I truly truly admire Kim Jong Il for his guts. Firing the missiles just a few hours after the 4th of July celebrations despite warnings from the US and UN, that's about as gutsy as it can ge and yet, I find his actions so beyond stupidity it's unbelievable.

Came across a few articles. One particular article from BBC News state that N. Korea's decision to fire the missiles were "provocative". Damn right it was provocative. I personally do not have any idea what Kim Jong Il is trying to prove at the moment. There really isn't any point to fire those missiles except to anger the US...and oh yeah, starving your citizens because all your resources are being directed towards making nuclear weapons.

Granted, the US itself isn't a role example either when it comes to "provocative" actions. I mean, what about Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Iraq?

Also, you'd think that if you're gonna make nuclear weapons, you'd make one that actually works! According to this, the missiles failed shortly after take off...WTF!! DAMN KOREANS! COME ON! REVERSE ENGINEER IT! GO!

*sigh*

2. I finally finished reading the 6th book of the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and I CANNOT BELIEVE DUMBLEDORE DIED! WHAT A RIPOFF! DUMBLEDORE IS MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER!! AAAAARRGGHH!! YES IM A FAN SO WHAT!

3. Quem imortalem, quem mortalem.

I admire Kim Jong Il for his guts to launch their missiles despite warnings from the UN and the US just a couple of hours after the American Independence Day celebrations and yet I positively despise him for ignoring the well-being of North Korea's innocent civillians.

Directing resources to making/testing nuclear weapons instead of pumping back into the economy to encourage GDP growth is plain stupid. Worst off, the Taepodong 2 is supposed to reach alaska. According to sources, it failed upon take off and only reached the sea of Japan.

If you're gonna make a weapon, make sure it works! gee

Granted, the US isn't exactly Saint Peter either when it comes to weapons and war. But hey, who are we to judge them. I just hope the stock market plunge in N Korea and Japan won't affect us in South East Asia so much.

And to think that our currency was just strengthening. Do we have economic ties with N. Korea?

Hmm..time to go research this.

On a lighter note, maybe now there'll really be a Godzilla! I want Godzilla for a pet. I'd name him Buster.

Buster will love me like noone else does. Buster will be my best friend. Buster will kill all of you who had shun me! Buster hates world! RAWR! BUSTER HUNGREEEEEE!!!

Therre are days when i wake up and all I want to do is curl up in a foetal position on the floor, rocking back and forth on my side mouthing "make it go away, make it go away..." over and over again.

Yes, i cannot do this anymore.

See, my take is I must've done a lot of things wrong in my past life which is why I have to pay for all my past sins in the present life. But haven't I paid enough? Isn't it time for a break?

:(

If I hear, see or read the phrase "Praise be to God" one more time, I am going to shoot balls. Just bear in mind that it could be your balls that I shoot.

Why do some people believe in God so reverently? See, if I truly believe in the Christian God, I'd have to take into account other Gods as well. Christianity is by far one of the youngest religions. The long fought war over which God is the true God has been going on for too long. I can't even remember how long the israelis and the palestinians have been fighting over the Holy Land.

What makes them think that Jerusalem is the Holy Land anyway? What if the one true God is Krishna? Couldn't the Holy Land be in Calcutta then? Or maybe our one true God is Buddha and the Holy Land that they fought for is actually is Beijing?

And what about all those other Gods in other religions that died away ever since the birth of Christianity and the Bible? Whatever happened to worshipping the great God of the Sun, Amun-Ra? Whatever happened to mighty Gods of thunder and war like Thor in Norway or Ares for the Greeks?

Killed by ol' JC, that's what happened to them.

If any Gods existed in the first place, I doubt if children in Somalia and Africa would still be going hungry, running around half naked with bulging tummies. Let's face it, if your God is truly powerful and oh so loving, he wouldn't let these people suffer.

But that's my take on religion and Gods. However, if you still believe in the Christian God just remember the below three when you say type or read the phrase "praise the lord"

1. Everything shitty happens to you because your God works in mysterious ways i.e. he doesn't give a rat's ass about your life. Even less than I do.

2. Everytime you look into the mirror, remind yourself that you're God's joke. He probably placed you here to have a good laugh. As as a matter of fact, if you have drawer jaws, he's pointing a finger at you rolling around on his big fat ass laughing out loud.

3. If you're born ugly or if your mom is ugly or if your kids are ugly (or retarded, I might add) then you should DEFINITELY STOP consulting God. He's not gonna help. You're ugly or retaded because of DNA blow-up. THAT MEANS YOUR GENES SUCK! You have a bigger problem than lack of faith. It's called DOWN SYNDROME! maybe your DNA DOES NOT have the standard double helix! Maybe it's missing one end.

A few issues. My 10 day shit didn't work. After the second day I feel like my walls are talking to me. On the third day I called and begged my friend to go out with me, just for coffee al-fresco. Rather boring but better than being cooped up at home.

My man finds it insulting that I should be writing about death and such on my blog. I guess he believes that I should be happy because he's around. Fat chance. Melancholy went shopping for an apartment one day and found a home in me. I think we signed a 50 year contract but I can't be sure.

The folks and the sister Cher are coming home today!! Time to celebrate. I must make a note here and tell the whole wide world that there is no better smoking buddy than my sister Cher. She's funny. Sadistically funny. Sarcastically funny. The level of energy is just right. Atleast you know she'll never fall asleep.

*sigh*

***Note to self: Take a step back, you're right at the edge, at the risk of falling back into sanity.

See, no matter how hard we try, we're not meant to be.

Isn't it time that we concede then?

Unfortunately for the world, I'm still alive.

However, I did ponder about how a person like me should die. Should I die a dramatic death, a quiet one or a gory death?

A dramatic one would be when I jump off the roof of Riverside Majestic. It's the only tall building I know where the roof is easily accessible. Of course falling 22 floors and hitting the ground at 50km/hour is not exactly easy on the eyes but it sure is dramatic, especially if my hand is still clutching my suicide note even though the rest of my body twisted into the weirdest position and half of my brain are still on the sidewalk.

My suicide note would read "haha! suckers! Eat brain juice!"

A quiet death sounds is probably the way I would really go. In my bedroom, with Nanak, surrounded with recreational pharmaceuticals and recreational organics. I'd prolly just smoke myself nuts and pop a lot of x. When I do finally come down from the trips, I'll pop valium to sleep. For the rest of my life.

My suicide note would read "Why drink and drive, when I can smoke and fly...into oblivion"

A gory one is simple. I'll just walk out into the streets, right into the headlights of an oncoming truck. The biggest one I can find.

My suicide note would read hmm..Actually, no suicide note. It'll have flown away while I was getting run over into a pulp. Or it will be amongst the pulp. Yum. Spaghetti bolognaise. I AM SO HUNGRY!! DOES THE WORLD HEAR ME! FEED ME!! DAMMIT!!

I hate society.

I hate people.

Yes. I hate you too.

Dipshit.

I am hungry. I have been hungry for days. There is nothing to eat at home. Those that know my household, they'd agree that we prolly have the most food in the fridge. The problem is having to cook them.

Got sick of delivery. I've been eating delivery everyday the first few days. Now delivery just makes me want to bash the delivery boy's jaw back into place.

Lack of transport doesn't allow me to go out either.

So I'm hungry.

I lack social life too. Then again, I've become more asocial these days.

Suffice to say, I want to die. Now.

How?

How do people cope? How do they wake up every morning and go out to battle the day? After 25 years of living, I can't even find strength to do it anymore. How do we tell ourselves that everything will be okay? More importantly, how can we even start to believe that?

I don't have answers and neither does God. Trust me.

Here's a new challenge for myself. Stay home for 10 days. As in not go out at all unless it is absolutely required for me to e.g. Father's day dinner at Gramp's place on Friday.

It's been 2 days.

My walls are starting to talk to me.

My senses are dead, thanks to MAS.

On my way to KL via our country's national carrier (not for long, if their services doesn't improve), I experienced the worst 2 hours of my life. EVER. The flight there was nothing short of a mini bar-mitzvah. I swear.

First, there was a baby wailing at the top of his lungs non stop for about 2 hours.To top it all off, his brothers and sisters decided to sing along to his wailing. Imagine sitting around for 2 hours listening to Rasa Sayang and other malay kindergarten jingles! I swear, my hearing is now fucked up! But, I did my best to block it all out and decided to go back to my latest addiction, Tycoon City - NYC! This game rocks.

But unfortunately for me, the lights along the side and upper part of the lights just wouldn't stop blinking. My eyes are still hurting. Even after three days.

Then came the food. I was about as hungry as a horse, not having eaten since 2 days before. As usual, it was chicken or fish. Why do they not give any other choices? Can't they make it chicken, fish or beef? What if I'm craving for red meat? But alas, there was no red meat for me. I chose fish instead and Oh My God it was the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life. My tastebuds died. I'm still mourning.

The landing was nothing short of being hit on the butt with a softball bat. Trust me, it hurts.

Finally, after 2 hours of near-death experience for me and for everyone else (yes, I think I might have turned either suicidal or homicidal if I had to take another hour inside that plane), I arrived in the beautiful city of Kuala Lumpur, hereinafter referred to as "SmogLand".

SmogLand is full of drugs. SmogLand is full of Indians and dark skinned people. My motto is "the darker the skin, the more I hate them". I'm not being racist, just American. heh! But I shall not digress.

Anyways, people that live in Kuala Lumpur are generally very unhappy people inside. Maybe it's the stress of being in such a huge city. Maybe it's the level of competition either in the workplace or social life. Bottomline, everyone looks too busy and too determined to actually enjoy their surroundings. Not that there's that much to enjoy over there. The air stinks, the people stinks, the cars and the fumes stink, the food stinks (except major fastfood lines) , everything stinks and if you live there long enough, the stink will stick to you like glue. Infact, the stink will even become hereditary that your kids and grandkids and great grandkids will stink too!

Gross.

What motivates people to get to where they are now? Money? Is cash that important? I've never dared to have big dreams. Never wanted to be a rock star. Never wanted a million dollar house and a brand new shiny blue car. Don't need the best the materialistic world has to offer. Infact, I don't even have a cellphone anymore.

All I ask for is some sense of normalcy in my life. Cut me some slack.

Okay people...now that I'm done and over with bitching and killing my pride for one person, here's my wishlist for my birthday.

B: You still owe me a red-haired midget for a petslave...let's not forget the amputee from two years ago. I still want to have amputee sex. This year, I'd like 1100101001010 Kung-Fu Monkeys to take over the world with. Comprende?

Cher: I'd like a book. Any book.

TinBoy: A brand new cell phone!

Ean: Yes, you have to gimme something too! How's about a date..book club date! w00t NERD!

Faith: A nephew would be nice. Send him back. He'll be my pet. Midget pet.

Lester and Fiona: Just show me...that it will last. That there are some who can still be happy.

Paul: 20 million bucks and a dog.

Anderson: Make me a weapon. A weapon that can kill all these aliens. No, not Mexicans!

Stellar: More of you, less of Jimbo. Thank you.

Chewwy: I want you, in a ballerina costume, in a glass ball. hahahaha

Nige: Aussie Greens. To burn. :) :) :) :) :) :)

God: A break.

Oh yes, in response to the numerous messages I received this morning to re-post my blog about scuba divers and gay cops, sorry guys. No can do.

Yes, I'd rather swallow it than let trivial people and trivial issues come between.

I miss the "what if"s and the "what could've been"s. I miss the "what should've been"s.

I refuse to think about them. Ignorance is afterall bliss. I don't need anyone. I don't need anyone at all. On my deathbed, I'd like to be able to look back and say "I lived a healthy, active, independent life. So now it's time to go, albeit being alone."

Tonight I mourn for the passing of a dream that will never be realized in this lifetime.

Congratulations to all winners of the "Make Hope's life suck" contest. As usual, God wins first prize.

I never felt alone
'til I met you
I'm alright on my own
'til I met you
And I'd know just what to do
If I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
And I don't wanna call you
but then I wanna call you
'Cause I don't want to crush you
but I feel like crushing you
And it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks
And you look right through me
We were broken and didn't know it
We were broken and didn't know it
We were broken and didn't know it
We were broken and didn't know it
Something's gone
You withdraw and
I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you
I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost
Deep inside of you
And some great need in me
starts to bleed
I've lost myself
there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you...

Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.

By typing this over and over again I hope to achieve...magnanimity. That way I won't feel like the world owes me. Anymore.

First a sigh. Then I'll sit and wonder what to type while I fight myself to be more positive.

Some people, they get good things happening to them. Some people don't. In a perfect world, in my perfect world, I'd be working an office job, standard 9-5 hours, being paid according to my qualifications realizing both work content and work quality.

After 5, I'd prolly head to some bar to have a few drinks and go home. Yes, in my perfect world I'd be married probably with 2.5 kids and dogs. At night we'd hang out together because we're a family.

Then I'd go to bed after tucking in my kids. Then I'd hug my husband to sleep and in the morning when I wake up I would not think about think about anyone, I would not think about the what ifs, the what could've beens, I would be happy again.

Time passes without my realizing it. It feels that I have been here for too long. I could give up but who would take care of my parents?

I've tried.

Conversations in my head. I ask questions and God answers them. Actually, I believe it's my subconcious but what the heck. Who knows, I could be God's direct line between the human world and Heaven. One of the conversations regarding my current relationship went like this.

Me: So what now?
God: There's nothing for you to do but wait.
Me: Are we meant to be together?
God: No, he's there to show you what you want in life.
Me: But he's not mine?
God: No, he belongs to someone else already, remember? She's loved him longer than you have.
Me: Oh :(
God: Don't be sad. Now that you know what you want you can go pursue it.
Me: But it's so unfair! What about me?
God: ...
Me: WAHHH!!!!!!
God: Cest la vie
Me: What about me?
God: ...
Me: ...

Some people can't find their direction in life. I could...but I lost it. Now I can't find my way back.

B said to me today, "I believe that everyday that you wake up, you change people, because you are beautiful and it shines through"

I intepreted it to be "You're hot, you know it and your mission in life is to manipulate people to suit your whims"

So what next? I don't know...I really don't.

My eulogy

Hope. A great name for a very small person. Forsaken perhaps by both God and society. She was a good friend, or atleast she tried to be. Never at a loss for words, never said anything really sincere either.

She's gone now, because one person loved too much and the other loved too little.

In life, we can't always have what we want.

I wanted so many things...all the material wealth and things like that. But as you grow older you find that some of these wants aren't really that...well, necessary.

So we eliminate the luxuries and think of what we really really need...

But sometimes..even the things that we want and need most..is never ours.

:((

She opened her eyes to see the sun streaming through the windows. It was a bright sunny Thursday morning. She turned to get up but stopped to watch him sleep. He looked peaceful, perhaps dreaming of a faraway island, where the skies were blue and the water crystal clear.

She caressed his cheek softly and kissed him on the base of his neck where the collarbones met.

"Good morning" he said albeit a little groggily.

"Good morning." she said, in return. "It's time to get up."

She smiled as she watched him get out of bed. It was time to take on the world. Together.

.....

When all is said and done, and the day has come to pass, she laid herself down in bed. She turned around to wish him good night, but alas, he was not there. He was never there to begin with, she realized.

All that was left was an empty pillow..

..but if you looked close enough, you'd see the dancing shadows of a dream that could not be realized.

I wish I still had that dream. I wish I had that kind of optimism still. I wish...

...and she again she danced.

Into the deep night by the fire.
So tantalizingly close to the flame.
The fire burns the skin.
Fire purges the soul from sins.

...and again she twirled

Back and forth she swings.
Playing a game she could never win.
Stealing so much from an innocent soul.
Taking so much of what she couldn't have.

...and again she ran

To a far, far away land.
Noone would know her.
Noone would judge her.
What cannot be seen does not exist.

...and again she fell

Down to her knees.
Face in her hands.
The tears unstoppable.
Waiting for darkness.

...waiting for it all to end

It's all very fragile, you see. When I was younger I had dreams. So many of them. I still have dreams. Most of them seem to dissipate into thin air, killed by the invisible katanas carried by the tentacles of reality.

"I don't know really" said she. "The way I see it, there isn't an end to this vicious cycle. It may be karma, it may be fate. All I know is that I fear it would all end. I don't want to lose this. It has been a while since I felt even remotely happy. It has been a while since I've felt like this. Infact, it has never been like this. I loved my freedom, I loved being myself but now I want to morph."

What do you mean?

"I'd like to be different. I'd like to be the person that listens. I'd like to take care of someone. I'd like to be normal. Maybe if I was normal, I'd have a normal life. Less dramatic, less intense. A life that I could probably settle into. One where I'd wake up in the morning, make breakfast for my man, my kids and possibly my dog; just like in Kellogg's advertisements."

Wouldn't that bore you senseless?

"It might, it might not. I do not know. I do not have the chance to tell you what is it like. Chances are, I'll probably never get that opportunity to."

Good night world. May the sandman find his way to your beds. Infidel little bastard.

I'm waiting, just waiting..watching, waiting for it all to fall apart.

But I'm afraid that before everything else falls..

I would.

Count your blessings before you start feeling sad.

1. I have a roof over my head - It belongs to the folks.
2. I have a car - It belongs to my mom.
3. You have a job - at a bar, where killing my liver is a daily thing.
4. You're only 26, there's a whole life infront of you - I'm fuckn 26, what am I doing?
5. You're seeing someone - that I can't be seen with, who's life I don't have a right to, who's love I have to steal from another person.

It is said that God created all men equal. Why then am I born weak. I don't have the strength for this anymore. I'm only human. Add to that that I'm only a girl. My heart beats 72 times per minute just like everyone else's. It screams for attention just like everyone else's. It breaks just like everyone else's. Eventually, it will stop beating too - just like all of you.

So then I wonder when people tell me to trust God, that He's the greatest; do they actually believe that?

Do they not wonder about the inequality. Do they not feel sometimes...that in the grand scheme of things..or rather, in God's plans that they have somehow been made wrong. What do those blind people feel? Can they still honestly trust in God? That Jesus will one day ascend from his great throne and heal him? What if he dies before Jesus gets to earth? Does he wait for all eternity until Judgement Day? Now where's the justice in that? You get to see but by then he'll be either hell..which is pretty awful, so I've heard...or he'd end up with heaven and let's just face it, Heaven can't be that great a place to be. All the men dress in white, half of them has wings and God being all mysoginic thanks to Eve, would probably condemn us women all the way down to hell and more.

I wonder about the inequality.

Mostly, I wonder why didn't God grant me what I asked for. No, I didn't ask for wealth. I didn't ask for health. I asked for happiness. I asked for profound happiness.

Yet my life is so filled with sorrows and I sometimes wonder why am I not dead yet. Oh yes, because I lack the guts to end it all.

Which brings me to the next topic. Malaysia should allow us civilians to carry guns. Makes suicide so much more easier.

Oh well...time to fly.

Seeking Magnanimity

Here's me..again.

Twenty six this year. Still going. I'm trying to type something smart..something philosophical that can reflect how I feel right now, I'm trying to be tasteful, to play with words so that whatever anger I feel right now doesn't sound like I'm just a whiny little bitch.

But I can't. So here it is.

I WANT HER LIFE! I WANT HER LIFE! I WANT HER LIFE! I WANT HER LIFE!!

I do not want to feel guilty.

I want a family of my own.

I want to know what its like to go home to them.

I want to know if I'll be a good wife and mother.

I want to be able to hold my head up high when I walk, and not deal with the fear and the stares of those who already know. Most of all, I do not want to deal with the self-loathing.

I do not want to die alone.

However, as I myself know..this is all rather unattainable to me. So here I am..watching from the sidelines yet again and once more, trying to convince myself that happiness is but a state of mind and that ignorance is bliss. So the less I know, the happier I am.

***Note to self: Marriage + 2 kids + 2 cars + a house = HAPPINESS is a FALLACY.

Leap of Faith

How hard it is for us to trust as we grow older.

The more we see, the more we learn. The more we learn, the more we hurt. We close up ourselves to protect us from getting burn. We make believe that we are tough, that we have a heart of stone. We try not to let others and their decisions affect us in anyway.

And so it goes on. Like an old carousel with all its faults and creaking and all that, we still get on it..watching the world from the safe confines of one of the carriages, wondering if it will ever stop spinning.

But then there comes a time when we'd have to get off the carousel..because you realize that when it stops spinning, there's no more music left, no more safe carriages attached mechanically to a motor, no more dizziness and you see the world for what it is..and you take that leap of faith, to learn to trust again..to trust that your instincts are right this time..that you will not fall again.

***Note to self: DO NOT FALL!

Bound by your words
My world spins out of orbit
Everything I have ever believed in
Shatters before my tear-filled eyes

Bound by your vows
I am your collateral damage
Hurt and broken enough
Annihilated by your honesty

Falling into the same trap
Bonded by fate or destiny
I wait and wait for a change
That I know will never come

Unto your hands I place my heart
Unto your heart I place my trust
You alone can bring me profound happiness
You alone can bring me to my knees

And on my knees I cry
Wondering why, oh God why?
And yet I take it all in stride
Swallowing every hit to my pride

Keeper, keeper of my broken soul
I am your trophy, You are my vice
Love me, don't ever stop loving me
Cherish me, honor me...Kill Me.

Too many people I know are bound by obligations and responsibilities...and yet, I'm the one who's paying for it.

My pride is dead
Lying dormant under the hunter's mantle.
Your words like bullets
Leave a gaping wound
I am your toy
I am your puppet
I run when you say go
Around and around in circles
Mad circles
Insane and inane
Corrupted by your lies
Lesser of a person now
Dear me,
Will I not stop?

...For you I'd bleed myself dry

My resolutions for this year was and still is to have no resolutions at all.

I do not resolve to quit smoking, because I know that I can't.
I do not resolve to be a nicer, kinder person because the world is a mean place.
I do not resolve to lose weight because I don't feel that being thin and lanky is the in thing Thanks B!
I do not resolve to be better than I was because in my mind's eye, I rock!
I do not resolve to be more empathetic because noone deserves it.
I do not resolve to be good because that's just boring.

And so, I resolved not to have any resolutions.

Here's what I got for myself this Christmas. Nip/Tuck season 3 on DVD!!!! WOOT! Still waiting for it to be sent to me. Amazon better not screw up. I do not want to have to call them and have them tell me the most dreaded words in the courrier services world.

"Lost in Transition"

Somehow I feel that a lot of people are lost in transition. People change, as do everything else. But sometimes they change a little too much too fast that they do not know what they themselves have evolved into, therefore creating a much more complicated personality, which is infact just a combination of the many personalities that they have yet to decide to portray to the public world.

No, I'm not lost in transition. I'm not confused about my personality at all. I know exactly what I am. I know exactly what I'm doing at all times. Sometimes the things that I'm doing may be wrong, but I go ahead with it anyway knowing that it's wrong. Sometimes it comes back to bite me in the ass.

Most of the time, I bite back.