Seeking Magnanimity

Here's me..again.

Twenty six this year. Still going. I'm trying to type something smart..something philosophical that can reflect how I feel right now, I'm trying to be tasteful, to play with words so that whatever anger I feel right now doesn't sound like I'm just a whiny little bitch.

But I can't. So here it is.

I WANT HER LIFE! I WANT HER LIFE! I WANT HER LIFE! I WANT HER LIFE!!

I do not want to feel guilty.

I want a family of my own.

I want to know what its like to go home to them.

I want to know if I'll be a good wife and mother.

I want to be able to hold my head up high when I walk, and not deal with the fear and the stares of those who already know. Most of all, I do not want to deal with the self-loathing.

I do not want to die alone.

However, as I myself know..this is all rather unattainable to me. So here I am..watching from the sidelines yet again and once more, trying to convince myself that happiness is but a state of mind and that ignorance is bliss. So the less I know, the happier I am.

***Note to self: Marriage + 2 kids + 2 cars + a house = HAPPINESS is a FALLACY.