She opened her eyes to see the sun streaming through the windows. It was a bright sunny Thursday morning. She turned to get up but stopped to watch him sleep. He looked peaceful, perhaps dreaming of a faraway island, where the skies were blue and the water crystal clear.

She caressed his cheek softly and kissed him on the base of his neck where the collarbones met.

"Good morning" he said albeit a little groggily.

"Good morning." she said, in return. "It's time to get up."

She smiled as she watched him get out of bed. It was time to take on the world. Together.

.....

When all is said and done, and the day has come to pass, she laid herself down in bed. She turned around to wish him good night, but alas, he was not there. He was never there to begin with, she realized.

All that was left was an empty pillow..

..but if you looked close enough, you'd see the dancing shadows of a dream that could not be realized.

I wish I still had that dream. I wish I had that kind of optimism still. I wish...

...and she again she danced.

Into the deep night by the fire.
So tantalizingly close to the flame.
The fire burns the skin.
Fire purges the soul from sins.

...and again she twirled

Back and forth she swings.
Playing a game she could never win.
Stealing so much from an innocent soul.
Taking so much of what she couldn't have.

...and again she ran

To a far, far away land.
Noone would know her.
Noone would judge her.
What cannot be seen does not exist.

...and again she fell

Down to her knees.
Face in her hands.
The tears unstoppable.
Waiting for darkness.

...waiting for it all to end

It's all very fragile, you see. When I was younger I had dreams. So many of them. I still have dreams. Most of them seem to dissipate into thin air, killed by the invisible katanas carried by the tentacles of reality.

"I don't know really" said she. "The way I see it, there isn't an end to this vicious cycle. It may be karma, it may be fate. All I know is that I fear it would all end. I don't want to lose this. It has been a while since I felt even remotely happy. It has been a while since I've felt like this. Infact, it has never been like this. I loved my freedom, I loved being myself but now I want to morph."

What do you mean?

"I'd like to be different. I'd like to be the person that listens. I'd like to take care of someone. I'd like to be normal. Maybe if I was normal, I'd have a normal life. Less dramatic, less intense. A life that I could probably settle into. One where I'd wake up in the morning, make breakfast for my man, my kids and possibly my dog; just like in Kellogg's advertisements."

Wouldn't that bore you senseless?

"It might, it might not. I do not know. I do not have the chance to tell you what is it like. Chances are, I'll probably never get that opportunity to."

Good night world. May the sandman find his way to your beds. Infidel little bastard.

I'm waiting, just waiting..watching, waiting for it all to fall apart.

But I'm afraid that before everything else falls..

I would.

Count your blessings before you start feeling sad.

1. I have a roof over my head - It belongs to the folks.
2. I have a car - It belongs to my mom.
3. You have a job - at a bar, where killing my liver is a daily thing.
4. You're only 26, there's a whole life infront of you - I'm fuckn 26, what am I doing?
5. You're seeing someone - that I can't be seen with, who's life I don't have a right to, who's love I have to steal from another person.

It is said that God created all men equal. Why then am I born weak. I don't have the strength for this anymore. I'm only human. Add to that that I'm only a girl. My heart beats 72 times per minute just like everyone else's. It screams for attention just like everyone else's. It breaks just like everyone else's. Eventually, it will stop beating too - just like all of you.

So then I wonder when people tell me to trust God, that He's the greatest; do they actually believe that?

Do they not wonder about the inequality. Do they not feel sometimes...that in the grand scheme of things..or rather, in God's plans that they have somehow been made wrong. What do those blind people feel? Can they still honestly trust in God? That Jesus will one day ascend from his great throne and heal him? What if he dies before Jesus gets to earth? Does he wait for all eternity until Judgement Day? Now where's the justice in that? You get to see but by then he'll be either hell..which is pretty awful, so I've heard...or he'd end up with heaven and let's just face it, Heaven can't be that great a place to be. All the men dress in white, half of them has wings and God being all mysoginic thanks to Eve, would probably condemn us women all the way down to hell and more.

I wonder about the inequality.

Mostly, I wonder why didn't God grant me what I asked for. No, I didn't ask for wealth. I didn't ask for health. I asked for happiness. I asked for profound happiness.

Yet my life is so filled with sorrows and I sometimes wonder why am I not dead yet. Oh yes, because I lack the guts to end it all.

Which brings me to the next topic. Malaysia should allow us civilians to carry guns. Makes suicide so much more easier.

Oh well...time to fly.