What motivates people to get to where they are now? Money? Is cash that important? I've never dared to have big dreams. Never wanted to be a rock star. Never wanted a million dollar house and a brand new shiny blue car. Don't need the best the materialistic world has to offer. Infact, I don't even have a cellphone anymore.

All I ask for is some sense of normalcy in my life. Cut me some slack.

Okay people...now that I'm done and over with bitching and killing my pride for one person, here's my wishlist for my birthday.

B: You still owe me a red-haired midget for a petslave...let's not forget the amputee from two years ago. I still want to have amputee sex. This year, I'd like 1100101001010 Kung-Fu Monkeys to take over the world with. Comprende?

Cher: I'd like a book. Any book.

TinBoy: A brand new cell phone!

Ean: Yes, you have to gimme something too! How's about a date..book club date! w00t NERD!

Faith: A nephew would be nice. Send him back. He'll be my pet. Midget pet.

Lester and Fiona: Just show me...that it will last. That there are some who can still be happy.

Paul: 20 million bucks and a dog.

Anderson: Make me a weapon. A weapon that can kill all these aliens. No, not Mexicans!

Stellar: More of you, less of Jimbo. Thank you.

Chewwy: I want you, in a ballerina costume, in a glass ball. hahahaha

Nige: Aussie Greens. To burn. :) :) :) :) :) :)

God: A break.

Oh yes, in response to the numerous messages I received this morning to re-post my blog about scuba divers and gay cops, sorry guys. No can do.

Yes, I'd rather swallow it than let trivial people and trivial issues come between.

I miss the "what if"s and the "what could've been"s. I miss the "what should've been"s.

I refuse to think about them. Ignorance is afterall bliss. I don't need anyone. I don't need anyone at all. On my deathbed, I'd like to be able to look back and say "I lived a healthy, active, independent life. So now it's time to go, albeit being alone."

Tonight I mourn for the passing of a dream that will never be realized in this lifetime.

Congratulations to all winners of the "Make Hope's life suck" contest. As usual, God wins first prize.

I never felt alone
'til I met you
I'm alright on my own
'til I met you
And I'd know just what to do
If I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
And I don't wanna call you
but then I wanna call you
'Cause I don't want to crush you
but I feel like crushing you
And it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks
And you look right through me
We were broken and didn't know it
We were broken and didn't know it
We were broken and didn't know it
We were broken and didn't know it
Something's gone
You withdraw and
I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you
I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost
Deep inside of you
And some great need in me
starts to bleed
I've lost myself
there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you...

Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.
Some people get good things happening to them; Some of us just don't.

By typing this over and over again I hope to achieve...magnanimity. That way I won't feel like the world owes me. Anymore.

First a sigh. Then I'll sit and wonder what to type while I fight myself to be more positive.

Some people, they get good things happening to them. Some people don't. In a perfect world, in my perfect world, I'd be working an office job, standard 9-5 hours, being paid according to my qualifications realizing both work content and work quality.

After 5, I'd prolly head to some bar to have a few drinks and go home. Yes, in my perfect world I'd be married probably with 2.5 kids and dogs. At night we'd hang out together because we're a family.

Then I'd go to bed after tucking in my kids. Then I'd hug my husband to sleep and in the morning when I wake up I would not think about think about anyone, I would not think about the what ifs, the what could've beens, I would be happy again.

Time passes without my realizing it. It feels that I have been here for too long. I could give up but who would take care of my parents?

I've tried.

Conversations in my head. I ask questions and God answers them. Actually, I believe it's my subconcious but what the heck. Who knows, I could be God's direct line between the human world and Heaven. One of the conversations regarding my current relationship went like this.

Me: So what now?
God: There's nothing for you to do but wait.
Me: Are we meant to be together?
God: No, he's there to show you what you want in life.
Me: But he's not mine?
God: No, he belongs to someone else already, remember? She's loved him longer than you have.
Me: Oh :(
God: Don't be sad. Now that you know what you want you can go pursue it.
Me: But it's so unfair! What about me?
God: ...
Me: WAHHH!!!!!!
God: Cest la vie
Me: What about me?
God: ...
Me: ...

Some people can't find their direction in life. I could...but I lost it. Now I can't find my way back.

B said to me today, "I believe that everyday that you wake up, you change people, because you are beautiful and it shines through"

I intepreted it to be "You're hot, you know it and your mission in life is to manipulate people to suit your whims"

So what next? I don't know...I really don't.

My eulogy

Hope. A great name for a very small person. Forsaken perhaps by both God and society. She was a good friend, or atleast she tried to be. Never at a loss for words, never said anything really sincere either.

She's gone now, because one person loved too much and the other loved too little.

In life, we can't always have what we want.

I wanted so many things...all the material wealth and things like that. But as you grow older you find that some of these wants aren't really that...well, necessary.

So we eliminate the luxuries and think of what we really really need...

But sometimes..even the things that we want and need most..is never ours.

:((