Seeking Magnanimity

Here's me..again.

Twenty six this year. Still going. I'm trying to type something smart..something philosophical that can reflect how I feel right now, I'm trying to be tasteful, to play with words so that whatever anger I feel right now doesn't sound like I'm just a whiny little bitch.

But I can't. So here it is.

I WANT HER LIFE! I WANT HER LIFE! I WANT HER LIFE! I WANT HER LIFE!!

I do not want to feel guilty.

I want a family of my own.

I want to know what its like to go home to them.

I want to know if I'll be a good wife and mother.

I want to be able to hold my head up high when I walk, and not deal with the fear and the stares of those who already know. Most of all, I do not want to deal with the self-loathing.

I do not want to die alone.

However, as I myself know..this is all rather unattainable to me. So here I am..watching from the sidelines yet again and once more, trying to convince myself that happiness is but a state of mind and that ignorance is bliss. So the less I know, the happier I am.

***Note to self: Marriage + 2 kids + 2 cars + a house = HAPPINESS is a FALLACY.

Leap of Faith

How hard it is for us to trust as we grow older.

The more we see, the more we learn. The more we learn, the more we hurt. We close up ourselves to protect us from getting burn. We make believe that we are tough, that we have a heart of stone. We try not to let others and their decisions affect us in anyway.

And so it goes on. Like an old carousel with all its faults and creaking and all that, we still get on it..watching the world from the safe confines of one of the carriages, wondering if it will ever stop spinning.

But then there comes a time when we'd have to get off the carousel..because you realize that when it stops spinning, there's no more music left, no more safe carriages attached mechanically to a motor, no more dizziness and you see the world for what it is..and you take that leap of faith, to learn to trust again..to trust that your instincts are right this time..that you will not fall again.

***Note to self: DO NOT FALL!

Bound by your words
My world spins out of orbit
Everything I have ever believed in
Shatters before my tear-filled eyes

Bound by your vows
I am your collateral damage
Hurt and broken enough
Annihilated by your honesty

Falling into the same trap
Bonded by fate or destiny
I wait and wait for a change
That I know will never come

Unto your hands I place my heart
Unto your heart I place my trust
You alone can bring me profound happiness
You alone can bring me to my knees

And on my knees I cry
Wondering why, oh God why?
And yet I take it all in stride
Swallowing every hit to my pride

Keeper, keeper of my broken soul
I am your trophy, You are my vice
Love me, don't ever stop loving me
Cherish me, honor me...Kill Me.

Too many people I know are bound by obligations and responsibilities...and yet, I'm the one who's paying for it.